The time is always right.....

"The time is always right to do what is right"....Dr.Martin Luther King, Jr.

On this day we honor Dr. King. When he was born, a bright light came into the world. That bright light continues on despite his leaving, because he has inspired us all to do better, to love more, to see past differences, and to be more unified.

This is one of my favorite MLK quotes because it is so very simple and basic. There is no time like NOW and NOW is ALWAYS the right time to do what is right.

-Last week a patient was telling me about how, despite all her financial struggles, she and her son bought dinner for a homeless man they encountered in a restaurant. This man was counting out his last coins to be able to purchase a cup of soup and a sandwich - a very basic meal, something we all probably take for granted. As my patient and her son went to the register to pay their bill she asked the cashier to also pay the homeless man's bill, the light was shining....
-I have a friend who recently sat with her friend as she passed away. This was a process of months and the end came recently. My friend held her hand and her heart in her final hours. What greater privilege than to be able to support someone in such a way. As the months wore on and the minutes ticked down and the friendship continued, up until the very final breath, the light was shining.....
-How many individual and collective lights shine on in Tucson, after the recent shootings??? There are more stories of heroism and light than I can mention. I just heard on the news this morning that the organs of nine year old, Christina Taylor Green, were donated to a little girl in Boston. I know this is likely just a small comfort to her family but they said "It's what she would have wanted". The legacy the shooter left behind seems to be one of increased tolerance and unity and recognition that we can agree to disagree and it doesn't have to be an all out war. And the light is shining through ALL OF THIS.....
-There's a young man, a high school student, in my area who saw a need and responded. I read about this in the newspaper. He comes from an upper middle class neighborhood and had a part time job in a restaurant. He was upset one night when, as the restaurant was closing, he saw all of the good food that was being thrown in the dumpster. He talked to the restaurant owner about this and asked if he could take the food to a soup kitchen and the owner agreed. The young man then canvassed several other restaurants in his area and did the same. Today, a network operates to pick up the food each evening at the group of restaurants and take it to a homeless mission. One young man, with a good heart, who responded to his heart. and the light is shining....

The light that shone in Martin Luther King Jr is the same light that shines in all of us. We can all judge less, love better, reach out to others, look past differences....if we choose. The time is now, there is no other time. NOW is all there is.

The Best of 2010

I started blogging in 2010. My intent was twofold: I wanted to become more mindful, more consciously aware of every moment and the power in every moment. Secondly, I wanted to notice and experience the magic and miracles in every day life. Blogging has been a conduit for doing so!
As I reflect back on my year, 2010, I recognize that changing my thoughts and hanging out in gratitude has been the actual conduit to experiencing my life differently. It has been quite proactive, much less reactive.
The power is definitely in the MOMENT, in the NOW. As I recognize the power in NOW, I am empowered.
I have been reflecting back on the year and this concept of empowerment and have a short list of people I know, have known, or interacted with this year, that seem to exemplify empowerment.
-My nursing home patients, who deal with illness, limitations, loss on a daily, hourly basis. Some have recently become residents, leaving behind family, pets, daily activities, comforts of home,to deal with living in an institution. No wonder they struggle with anxiety and depression. Others have been living in the nursing home for many years, so many years that some of them have lost track of the years. Some of them no longer have family or friends around to visit them. Some of them have limited memories of their past, their identities, how they lived their lives, who are "are", so to speak. It is interesting and amazing to me to see those that cope with the situation best - those with a strong sense of faith or spirituality, those who are able to have gratitude for NOW. The most valuable lesson I have learned from them is the power of NOW and the empowerment of GRATITUDE.
Some of them have passed on this year and my work with them is done. However, our work together is not, as I continue to learn from them. Even in their finals days, most of them had work to do - things to talk about, people to forgive, things to let go of. They have taught me so much about the fragility of the physical, and the strength of the spirit.

-My friend, Tim, who passed away this year. From talking with his family recently, I have learned that he had been sick for at least a year. He never told me. For whatever reason, he never said "I am dying of cancer". That's ok, I respect that. What Tim taught me over the years about friendship is invaluable. Our paths diverged in life and while we both continued on in our careers, I also had two children, and much of my energy went to them. Sometimes, when he would come home to visit his family for holidays, we couldn't get together. But he ALWAYS tried - he always called and we at least talked. Sometimes I would think to myself, "Why does he keep in touch?", when I was super busy and couldn't get together. But, he had no children, he understood my energy was all over the place and that was ok. he ALWAYS kept trying. He ALWAYS valued our friendship. The last time we met, we shared dinner and it was wonderful. We had time, we could relax and "catch up" with each other. The most valuable thing I learned from Tim is that friendships MATTER. People will not always be around, nurture what you have. Thanks, Tim.

-all of my patients, who are symbols of courage to me. I truly believe that in a therapeutic relationship, everyone is changed. I am changed each session because I learn more about the resiliency of the human spirit. I do hear the most god-awful stories in my work. And I do hear them over and over, only the characters change but the darkness of humanity doesn't. When I hear another story, I sometimes think to myself "There is nothing new under the sun. I have heard this before" But, other times I think, "Wow, I can't believe it - that something so horrible can happen". But, all of my patients have come for healing and that is the goal I focus on. And they do heal and move on. They work very actively on change. They make major changes in thoughts and behaviors. They spill their guts out all over the place, and are released and renewed. They leave therapy empowered. In my dark moments, I sometimes remember one of the stories that they have shared with me and the healing they have experienced and I am changed. I am so encouraged, so much more hopeful, so proud of them and the work they did on their journey and I learn from them.

What I have learned about magic and miracles in my daily life is this
-Gratitude changes EVERYTHING. It's extremely powerful. It's a game changer.
-I make active choices every second of every day in terms of what I choose to think. I have the power in every moment to change my thoughts.
-Love is really all that matters. Every day I try to ask myself, "Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?". The answer is always love.
-Now is all there is. The past is gone, we don't know if we have the next breath, the next moment. Now is all we have to work with anyway.
I choose to try to fill each NOW, each moment with gratitude and love. Therein is the miracle. To the degree to which I change my thoughts, my world changes exponentially.

Here's to 2011!!!!!!

phantom limb pain

Often I write about recurring themes, in my work and in my life (or both). The writing helps me to connect the dots, so to speak and to make better sense of the recurring themes. Over the past two weeks, I have had two patients come in complaining about phantom limb pain. The one person had a hip replacement a couple years previous, and was still having occasional pain. The second person came in a couple days later, dealing with chronic pain issues. He was a veteran and had suffered some broken and shattered bones. He stated his doctor told him he had healed well and the residual pain was "phantom limb" pain, even though he had not had an amputation. He talked about the discussion he had with his physician about chronic pain, brain neurology, and "pain pathways". His doctor told him the pain would continue to subside in time, as the pain pathways extinguished themselves.
A day or so later, I had another patient come in and talk about how she needed to "let go" of past hurts and her realization that holding on to and replaying the old hurts in her mind was detrimental to her. It kept her steeped in the pain.
Pain is pain. Each of these individuals was sharing experiences related to pain and to pain pathways. In a previous post (Use it or Lose it), I wrote about brain pathways, how the brain is "wired" and how our thoughts create neural pathways in the brain. The more we "use" a thought, the more established that pathway becomes in the brain. The less we "use" a thought, the less active that particular pathway becomes in the brain.
Emotional pain can become like "phantom limb' pain. The injury and hurt occurred long ago, but we keep "replaying" the incidents over and over in our brain, reinforcing the pain pathway. Of course, I am not talking about severe trauma or abuse which results in Acute Stress Disorder or PTSD. These disorders involve hyperarousal of the central nervous system and require specific interventions to assist the person who has been traumatized. I am talking about the "normal" kinds of hurt and pain we experience in life. People deliberately hurt us for various reasons, loved ones disappoint us, bad things happen in life and we feel emotional pain.
The theraputic process allows people to let go of pain. In therapy, people are able to recognize the pain, allow themselves to fully feel it, forgive, and let go, (cut off or "amputate" the pain). Often, that process involves some rituals. People may write letters or keep a diary of "hurts", then when they are ready, they move to forgiveness and symbolically "let go" of the pain, burying the writings, or burning or shredding them. Years ago, I had a patient who wrote a series of letters to deceased relatives and when each letter was complete, he went to the grave site, read the letter, tied it to helium balloons, and watched as they floated away. He experienced such a sense of relief watching the "hurts" float up, up, and far away.
In my own life, I have nursed hurts and pains. I have "run through" hurtful situations over and over in my mind. It is interesting that it seems as if the more I entertain the thought or memory, the more the thought hangs around. Who wouldn't, if you are throwing a party and entertaining them (the thoughts)? When I decided to close that door, to acknowledge the hurt or injustice then let go, and escort it out the door, the pain subsides. I have come to see the wisdom in forgiving and letting go. No more "phantom hurt" pain. No more spectors of the past hanging around and popping up to annoy or torture me. The pain pathways have lost their strength and power. The memories remain but they don't hold the emotional impact. I have moved on.
We all have the power, and the choice, to let go and move on. Whether it be a hurtful event, a bad day at work, a betrayal, a loss, we can choose to acknowledge, then move on. We can choose not to "go down that road" again. We can choose a healing and more benevolent pathway to go down. Our pain will extinguish itself, in time. We can continue to experience the pain (much like phantom limb pain) or we can heal. We can establish new, healthier pathways in our brains.

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?"....Rosa Parks

Let's not keep reactivating old pain. Let's allow our brains to generate new and healthy.

Use it or Lose it

As a runner, I know full well the effects of conditioning and de-conditioning. Every spring, summer, and fall, when I am established in a consistent training schedule, I run farther and faster with less effort. Every winter, as I wind down and run much less, I get consistently slower and slower and slower....When I "use it" (my cardiovascular system), I grow stronger. When I don't, I "lose it" (my fitness level).
As a therapist, I understand the power of mental conditioning, or changing our thoughts. Do you know that every time we have a thought, an electrochemical process occurs in our brain? If you could look at the brain when the "thought" occurs, you would see chemicals being released and electrical impulses carrying those chemicals between the nerve synapses. And so, a neural "pathway" occurs in the brain and becomes established. How does that thought become stronger? You "use it"- repeat the thought over and over and over and strengthen the pathway in the brain. The more you "use it" (that pathway), the stronger it becomes. Many of our thoughts are automatic. We've been thinking them for years and years and decades and they become engrained in our sense of self and how we define the world.
WE CAN CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS. When we decide to think something new, we begin establishing a new neural pathway in our brain. In order for that thought to become more "natural" or second nature to us, we have to practice the thought - create it over and over. The more we "use" that pathway in the brain, the stronger it becomes. So, when we are trying to eliminate a negative thought and substitute a positive one, the old thought (which we think less and less often) starts to extinguish itself and the new thought, (which we practice over and over), becomes stronger and stronger.

I'm working on extinguishing certain negative thoughts. The thoughts are about the world and people and how it "should" be and how I wish people were. The new thoughts I am substituting are about how things ARE. What people DO. And I'm moving more toward objectivity and noticing how things are and what people do and not judging it so much. It FEELS very different. I am noticing less stress because I don't allow the world or people to determine the quality of my moment.
When I drive, I try to "notice" what other drivers do instead of determining that they are terrible drivers. The other day, A patient shared with me her experience of having a conversation with her mother and thinking to herself "That's just how she thinks, I think differently" and noticing she felt compassion toward her mother instead of the usual anger. I have patients with panic disorders who are gaining control over their symptoms when they think, "That's just my anxiety. I've felt it before, I'll feel it again. It doesn't feel good but it's just a feeling and it will pass" instead of "Oh my God....It's happening again...I can't handle this...This is terrible"..."
The choice is about which path you want to go down. You establish the neural pathway in your brain. If you don't like where that path is going, change the thought. Many times people feel so much more empowered when they say "I choose not to go down that road". They choose a new path and practice going down that path over and over.
Use it or lose it. What thoughts do you choose to use and wire your brain to continue to produce? And what thoughts do you abandon, and what wiring do you extinguish in your brain? I choose to go down the pathway of compassion and tolerance. It feels great.

Self Forgiveness - Part II

Yesterday I saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and have been pondering the messages the movie brings. One of the central themes, it seems to me, is self forgiveness. In the movie, Liz is desperately trying to come to terms with the end of her marriage and embarks on this journey in attempt to reclaim parts of herself. At the ashram, she meets "Richard from Texas", who is also needing to forgive himself big time. Obviously, they learn about this process from each other.
In my clinical work, I treat people who want to heal. The themes of forgiveness and especially self forgiveness permeate the work. Central elements of self forgiveness are recognizing the impact of our actions on others, and making amends, of sorts, in any way we can. This is how we "let go"; otherwise we stay stuck in guilt.
In my experience, religion has been a strong influence in evoking guilt and self blame in very unhealthy ways. This has seemed to be a dilemma for many people. Even the concept of "grace" does little to dispel the guilt for many people. They say they are "forgiven" yet reiterate that they are "sinners" and continue to berate themselves for "falling short". Sometimes I wonder if God looks at this with tears in his eyes and says, "You just aren't getting it, are you?". We say we want to be like God, yet we hold on to self reproach and can't forgive ourselves, as God has. And if God expects us to follow his example, then he expects us to forgive ourselves.
Maybe we forget the part about making amends......and if we are angry with ourselves, how in the world do we make amends to ourselves???? Religion typically teaches us to be contrite, confess, FEEL BAD. But religion is not very good at teaching us how to compassionately treat ourselves when we screw up. And we do screw up, sometimes a lot.....
Being compassionate with oneself and forgiving oneself is major. It's a LIFE SKILL. You hear all these cliches "practice random acts of kindness", "practice forgiveness". You NEVER hear "practice self kindness' or "practice self forgiveness". It all starts with us, folks. Not in a narcissistic way but in a healing, healthy, spiritual way.

Today I had a final session with a patient, who is transferring care because of an insurance change. We talked about self forgiveness and the nuts and bolts of how she can compassionately treat herself. While she is not yet at the goal of self forgiveness, she can PRACTICE it. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Don't wait to reach the goal of self forgiveness, start practicing today. Do kind things for yourself.

One of the ways I am compassionate with myself is by being silly or goofy. REALLY. Because it lightens things, helps me to laugh at myself and let go. I stop being so darn serious about life in those moments.

So today, I think we should all practice self forgiveness and self compassion. We should all do kind things for ourselves. We should be silly and goofy. Share your experiences if you wish. I'm still learning this stuff, myself....

The Gift of Fear

August 4......One year ago there was a horrendous shooting at a health club in my community. My daughter was inside. Only a wall separated her from the gunman. Three women died. Three women who had homes and careers and friends and family who loved them deeply. They are irreplaceable. Many others were shot or sustained injuries from bullet fragments. Lives were changed. Everyone who was inside suffered psychological trauma, including staff. First responders experienced emotional trauma as they came upon the scene. Lets not forget family members of all affected. I was one of them. The horror of knowing someone you love so deeply may have been snatched from you in such a violent and senseless way is beyond anything I can describe. I lived that horror in the days and weeks and months that followed. I lived the emotional numbness and sense of everything being surreal. That was a year ago.

One year later....I still feel such a deep sense of sadness for everyone involved. As I sit at my computer now and write, I cry.
One year later....I am so grateful that we are not victims. At least for my daughter and my family, I can say we have moved from victims to survivors to thrivers.
One year later,I still feel the fear, but I am not immobilized by it.
God has shown me a better way...

Pain is an adaptive response. It is the body's way of telling us that something is wrong. Without pain, we often would not even know we are sick or some part of us is malfunctioning. When we have pain, the logical response is to do something about it (self care, seek medical help). It would be irrational to ignore the pain and walk around saying "ouch ouch ouch...it hurts" and do nothing.
I have come to see fear in a similar way. It is like my soul's way of telling me, "something is wrong...it is dark...the world is malfunctioning in some way...go to God" It would be irrational for me to ignore the fear, to walk around saying, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid" and not seek help.

So, I have come to be able to use fear in an adaptive way. My fear is a normal response to an abnormal, maladaptive, crazy world. I can't change the world. But I can change myself and my response to the world. I can acknowledge the fear, allow myself to feel it, but not HANG OUT THERE. I can go elsewhere. I can see the fear as an open door, and invitation to seek God, to find comfort. When I do this, God responds - an unexpected phone call from a friend, a song on the radio as I drive to work, that wonderful feeling of peace that passes all understanding...

In the past year, I have made the decision that I am not going to live in fear any longer. I can see the gift in fear and brings gifts of healing, reconnection, and compassion from it. This is how I move from victim to survivor to thriver.

Peace be with you all.

Fragments of My Day

Sometimes, when I can't sleep despite being so tired, I think about my day. Like today.......
I run through events, try to complete unfinished thoughts, and empty my mind.
-Breakfast with my daughters. So rare they are both home and both available. Their schedules, my schedule....So nice to have the time. In a few weeks, they will both be gone, off to school again.
-my appointments today, my clinical work....A bipolar woman who is appreciating mood stability for the first time ever, and establishing "normal" for herself...a woman struggling with feelings of betrayal and questioning if she can ever trust her spouse again after discovering he is a sex addict....a daughter, grieving the death of her mother and slowly healing as she reconnects with family and friends she had long abandoned....a single father raising a son and daughter under the shadow of an abusive mother he loathes but must still live with.....a couple who never really got to know each other because children came along quickly and interrupted intimacy...
-I had some really good fried rice for dinner...take-out from a restaurant near my office. there's some left and it's in my fridge...hmmmmm...thinking of finishing it off.
-great conversation with a friend on the drive home from work.....we talked about how God appears to us at the oddest of times and how it's so freaky but NICE when that happens..
-walking my dog on the trail at dusk. We owned the trail because no one else was out. It was quiet and a slight fog was setting in. It smelled so nice...pine needles, some sort of wild flowers.
-chatting briefly with some friends on line before going to bed.
-snuggling with my husband(and the cat)in bed.......falling asleep..........only to wake up 20 minutes later....
=oh yeah, and I'm remembering that I forgot to water the plants outside when I got home and it was pretty hot today...it's ok, they'll be fine, It was only in the 80's today, not the 90's...

It was a good day. It had the main and most important ingredients: time with family, meaningful work, great food, friends, my home and my pets.

Life is good........