h o p e

Hope is something we sometimes feel in a BIG way, like a flashing neon light, very warm and welcoming, inviting us to something better. Other times, it is like a tiny spark, barely visible.....

I have been thinking about hope recently, probably for a couple reasons. Of course, in my work, I see people daily who seem sometimes bereft of hope. I always have to remember that by the time people end up in my office, they have already been struggling for months and years and sometimes decades. They have tried everything they could think of, and have often been to doctors and therapists in the past. No wonder they are frustrated and feeling hopeless. So, some days, at work, it feels as if I am immersed in hopelessness.....

I have been thinking about hope also because it is spring, my favorite season! And, I have been planting seeds! I do this each spring and I am like a little kid and still find it so fascinating. I go to the store and purchase the seeds. Then I go home and plant the seeds in soil in pots and set the pots on my deck and water them and WAIT AND SEE......I check them every day to see WHAT IS HAPPENING....I read the label for the "expected growth date" and am so excited when they start to sprout in 3 days verses the 7-10 days that it says on the seed pack. And I keep checking and checking every day because the little seeds ACTUALLY GROW and KEEP GROWING and become these beautiful, delicate and unique flowers!

I was watching tv Sunday morning, or really I was flicking through stations, and caught part of Joel Osteen. I like Joel a lot and I think that in many ways, his message is all about hope. Maybe I'm taking his message on Sunday out of context because I did happen onto it in the final 5 minutes but here's what I took from it - It matters what we do with hope. Sometimes we have just a small h o p e, but don't let it die because it is so small, we can also nurture it and see what happens.

This morning as I checked my pots on the deck and the growing sprouts, I was amazed to realize that the hardiest sprouts are the ones which were tiny, tiny, seeds. They looked like tiny black specks of dust and when I placed them in the soil, a part of me wondered "will these really become beautiful flowers?". And, the bigger seeds, the ones that were the size of small peas, have barely sprouted!

So, now I'm thinking - hope is hope. It doesn't matter if it is a huge flashing neon sign HOPE, or a tiny spark, barely visible
h o p e. It's what we do with it that matters.

I know I have followers and invite comments. Tell me about your experiences with hope!

Death and Taxes

Some life lessons keep returning to us OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I like to see them as "gifts", opportunities to learn and grow and become a better person. Death and taxes are kind of like that - unavoidable and they keep returning to us....

April 15........the day we dread, the day we agonize over........So, like many people my mind has been preoccupied with INCOME TAXES. How much do I owe???? It's the same process every year, worry, worry, worry....how much do I owe?????
It's also April, the month that my sister passed. It's only been four years, so naturally I have been preoccupied with her passing, the anniversary date, DEATH.
DEATH and TAXES.....Wonderful things to be preoccupied with.....

I was talking with some friends recently and we were talking about how the "worry", whatever it is, isn't the real issue. "We never really worry about that which we think we are worrying about". The superficial worries - taxes, tests, deadlines, etc will keep coming and going in life. There will always be something to worry about. The deeper issue is the difficulty trusting LIFE, or our source, or GOD. We had this really interesting discussion about how if we have internal peace, the external stresses stop being a "worry". I have a friend, Joe, who we can always count on to say "It's really very simple, but it's not EASY". Isn't a lot of life like that? Changing our thoughts, our perspective sounds so simple but it is anything but easy.

The taxes are an easier thing to deal with - they are going to keep coming around again and again and again. Every year we pay income taxes, every time we buy something, or see road construction "Your tax dollars at work"....Here's my change in perception - I also like to see children able to go to school and be educated, people without health insurance receive care, beautiful parks and recreation areas. I feel privileged to be a part of paying for this - "MY tax dollars at work". It FEELS so different when I think about it that way.

Death is a more difficult thing to deal with. I lost my mom when I was 22, and my dad when I was 29. When I was a kid, I lost uncles and aunts. Losing a sibling is an entirely different experience. You expect to lose your parents some day, you often lose relatives when you are growing up. But a sister....you just think "well, SOMEDAY, one of us will die first but that won't happen until we are OLD"......

Grief has to happen and is a natural process, it's not dysfunctional to cry and feel such intense pain. As we work through grief, some of the "gifts" start to appear. We think about the person, their characteristics, what they loved and hated, what they stood for, how they lived their life, what made them angry, all the goofy and silly things they did, their imperfections and their passions. And we laugh and we cry and we HONOR them. I feel it is an honor for me to honor my sister. Four years later, I am very much into honoring her.

I feel honored to have had her as my sister. She was 12 years older than me, she was my big sis and she was there for me, in a very real way when I was very young. As I grew up, she continued to be there for me. I don't like to think about how my life would have been or how I would be different if I never had her as my sister.....

I honor her by continuing on in my life, remembering all her goodness and passing it on......Since it is four years later, I have been able to see "gifts" in the loss, much as I have seen in her life. One of the gifts is the renewed awareness of the fragility of life and the decision to embrace each moment. I am very much more in the NOW than I have ever been. Another gift is greater passion to help others. She lived her life serving others and when I am feeling burned out, I draw strength from her example. Another gift is a more relaxed sense of myself. My sister could REALLY be silly and was so much fun. I loved that about her!

Because of my faith, I know she is not gone. She has moved on to the next phase of existence. I know that love does not die and our love REMAINS.

My challenge this month remains to feel what I feel, to see the gifts in all of it. My income taxes are paid, my life goes on. I honor my sister in very real ways and I EMBRACE all that she has taught me about life...

To my sister, Barb, THANKS SO MUCH for who you are and what you gave. Love you!

Self Forgiveness

Seems to me that self forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do. I admit I have difficulty with this, as do many, many people. It is not an uncommon problem. Why is it that we have such incredibly high and unrealistic standards for ourselves? We can forgive someone else twenty times over before we forgive ourselves. We have so much more compassion for others than for ourselves.
Today, I learned that one of my favorite patients at the nursing home passed away. I had the honor of meeting him last summer when the referral showed up on my clinic list one day. He was youngish for the nursing home (mid to late 40's). He was there because of kidney failure, secondary to diabetes. The first time we met, he told me he struggled with self forgiveness. He had regrets in life. Specifically, what he shared with me was that he had not watched his diabetes and had poor self care until his condition became so bad he was confined to the nursing home. Now, he was so angry with himself for not taking better care of himself. And, now it was too late to do anything to reverse the damage that had been done. We talked about his relationship with God. He said he believed God had forgiven him. So, then we talked about his relationship with HIMSELF. He was really tough on himself, with all his "SHOULDAS". So I listened while he talked. I don't even recall exactly what I said to him, but the message was self forgiveness and that if God forgives us, who do we think we are to not follow this example?
After that first meeting, he was more at peace. At subsequent meetings, he told me he had FINALLY forgiven himself. His anxiety diminished some. Each visit, I listened while he talked. He had a nice Christmas with family. Little did I know when I last met with him that it would be our last meeting. I asked again, how was he doing with the self forgiveness and he reassured ME that he was still in a good place with that issue and had long forgiven himself.
Today, when I walked into the clinic to pick up my schedule, I saw his name with "CTB" beside it. The first time I ever saw that notation, I asked a nurse "What does this mean? Does it mean Confined To Bed? Because if it does, I can go to the patients room to see them". And the nurse gently told me, "No, that means "CEASED TO BREATHE"........
CEASED TO BREATHE.....or rather, died........So, I saw his name and CTB and I walked back to my office and took a deep breath and shed a tear, before I had to take my first patient and dive into my schedule.....It was a very busy schedule today, which was probably good because I didn't have a lot of time to think.
As I left later in the morning, I walked to my car, in the beautiful sunshiney, warm day and again, I thought about him. I felt happy for him that he had found peace. I thought about his courage in what he was dealing with. I felt some wonder at his ability to forgive himself. I realized I had learned some more about self forgiveness from him. As the old adage goes, sometimes the student is a teacher and the teacher his student..........Thanks 'R" for being my teacher and for being a role model for me. God Bless and rest in peace.