A Holy Encounter

Holy Encounters happen every day. They are not something mysterious, but are actually fairly common. The trick is to recognize them. With recognition, they are learning opportunities.

Holy encounters happen when we encounter another person - plain and simple. There is so much opportunity for healing and growth when and if we see the encounter as a mirror:

...As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. (A Course in Miracles)

Some holy encounters are fun. They are my favorite kind - meeting a stranger and enjoying a laugh together, random pleasant conversations, direct, caring eye contact with another person. These encounters feel very good. We feel like we "connect" with someone and know and understand them. We are seeing in them the good and positive characteristics we also attribute to ourselves. We say we are "like minded".
Some holy encounters are mundane. We say hello to the kid at the gas station who rings us up, we chat with a coworker, order our lunch and leave a tip for our food server, call a business contact on the phone, have dinner conversation with family, all of the myriad of encounters we have each day. These have great potential to be healing, holy encounters if we go beyond the mundane aspects of the encounters and look at the other person as one with us. They are our mirrors. They challenge us to look at how we interact with others, even on that mundane, daily basis and notice what we see in that person and what that says about us. They are our mirror. How we treat them says much about how we think about ourselves.
Some holy encounters are difficult. These are the opportunities for the greatest healing and growth. Typically, when we are being criticized, treated unfairly, or misjudged we want to react with defensiveness and criticism of the other. But, if these encounters are also holy, and there is healing in it for us, we need to look at "where do I see myself in this?". I have a friend, Maureen, who always asks herself in these difficult encounters "How am I like that?". Doesn't this open a whole new can of worms??? It's not really about the other person, it's about me and my ability to see opportunities to grow and change in this situation.
Recently I had a particularly challenging situation which was frustrating in one respect, yet interesting and amazing in another respect. The owner of the building where I rent office space went on a tirade against me because I was putting my garbage in the "wrong place", unbeknownst to me, for the past year. So, he was harboring resentments instead of just talking to me and clarifying the situation. The tirade became really ugly when he drove to my neighborhood and strew a bag of garbage on my neighbor's front porch, thinking it was my porch (goes to show that a GPS is not always accurate).
Once I went through my human, ego reaction of being bewildered, distressed and outright indignant, I allowed myself to see this as a holy encounter......hmmm......I had that instant of recognition, that this event was an opportunity to look at myself.  As a therapist, I look at the symbolism - do I have psychic "garbage" that I am displacing? Do I avoid and harbor resentments? Do I misjudge and misperceive?  I guess I can yes to all of that, although not to any great extent. I'm pretty self aware and I try to learn from each experience and move on.
At a deeper level, I challenged myself to begin to look at, not how my brother misjudged me, but how do I misjudge my brother?  Misjudgement stems from misperception. So again,everything goes back to our thoughts. What are we thinking about other people? What are we thinking about ourselves?
This "holy encounter" points me back to the direction of taking responsibility for myself, for my thoughts, to be more vigilent about what I am thinking about my brother, to stop the negative thoughts and judgements and to think with compassion and remember "we are one". This holy encounter reminds me that in this situation, I can either find myself (see the projection) or lose myself (miss the opportunity to see the projection and  grow and change for the better)
Sometimes, on a daily, mundane basis, we need to deal with life and life's circumstances. We can always do this with compassion, if we choose. We clarify, apologize, problem solve. On a deeper level, we can also deal with life and life's circumstances in a spiritual way - see the other as our brother and a mirror of ourselves. If we stop projecting and seeing all the bad stuff as "out there, in the world" and shift our focus to changing the "bad" and negative thoughts we have, we will all change. All we can change is ourselves, we can't change others.

When you meet anyone, remember, it is a holy encounter.

God bless.

The Light of the World

I may never be a millionaire, funny I don't think I care
I may never see the mountain view, guess I don't need to
May never drive a fancy car or be a movie star
But I'll be, I'll be......the Light of the World
.....FFH

How different would we all be if we realized we are the Light of the World?
How differently would we think, and feel, and act, and problem solve and treat others, and approach each day?
The Light of the World isn't way up there somewhere in heaven, embodied by some ONE or some THING else. The light of the World is US. We are the same "stuff" as God, the same spirit and energy.
We dis-empower ourselves by believing that God is "up there" somewhere - some place else, separate from us.
Let's think different thoughts. If we believe we are the Light of the World, let's not place limits on who we can be.
Let's feel different emotions. If we believe we are the Light of the World, let's not feel so hopeless and helpless and angry and cynical.
Let's act differently. If we believe we are the Light of the World, let's practice patience, tolerance, compassion, understanding.
This morning I ran a 5K race and I was actually thinking about this as I ran. I felt lighter and stronger. I encouraged other runners as they zoomed past me and as I passed others. I slowed down for a moment to encourage a young boy of about 7 or 8 as I passed him on a hill. He smiled at me and I later saw that he won his age division. How cool is that?
A patient was telling me how she paused in the midst of her busy day, when she didn't really "have the time" to comfort a distraught colleague. The "moment" ended up being a hour but "miraculously", all of her work got completed in time, with time to spare. How amazing is that?
A friend was telling me how differently she felt about a situation as she consciously practiced forgiveness. The bonds to another person that she felt entangled to disappeared and she stopped thinking about and obsessing about and feeling connected to the situation. How miraculous is that?
How does the Light of the World think? Let's THINK about that every day.
How does the Light of the World feel? Let's ALIGN ourselves with that each day.
How does the Light of the World act? Let's STRIVE for that and ACT it out daily, in each moment.
In each moment of each day we have a choice.
We can recognize the light within us. We can BE the LIGHT OF THE WORLD.
We can change ourselves and simple moments and circumstances.
Or we can believe that we are separate from the light and stumble around in darkness, looking for someone or some thing to "enlighten" us.

...I may never be a millionaire, funny I don't think I care
may never see the mountain view, guess I don't need to
May never drive a fancy car or be a movie star
but I'll BE, I'll BE....THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD.

Amen

So I was just thinking........

I was watching a commercial today and the ad stated that it is estimated we have 3,000 thoughts each day. I don't know how true this is (and I should probably check it out sometime) but anyway, I thought "We have 3,000 opportunities every day to CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS!!!" (if we choose to). THREE THOUSAND TIMES EACH DAY, we have opportunities to change. Wow. Makes me realize how empowered we are. Most of us don't think that way. We don't realize that each thought is negotiable. No thought we have is a given - we don't have to keep thinking it IF WE DON'T WANT TO. How about that for empowerment?
I was also watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about opportunities and that things we often see as annoyances are opportunities for us to grow, if we recognize the opportunity. He used the example of impatience. If someone is impatient, he or she may find themselves often behind slow drivers. They can moan and complain and hurl expletives at the slow driver, or see the situation as an opportunity to work on becoming more patient. It's a choice and it's empowering to recognize that choice.
Now as I am reflecting on the past 24 hours, I am wondering how many of those 3000 automatic thoughts I decided to change in some way to create more internal peace and extend out into the world? If we monitored every thought, that would be a full time job and we wouldn't be able to focus on our lives. But, if we recognized each time we feel uncomfortable, irritated, sad, anxious or afraid, then we could also recognize that we can look at the thought that goes with that uncomfortable feeling and change the thought.
Sometimes I am surprised with some of my automatic thoughts, especially when they are critical of others or myself. I'm usually pretty good at catching myself after the thought and changing it. For example, I may look at someone and think they are arrogant or rude or ugly but then I remind myself that I don't like that thought and can change it. I just say to myself "It's just a thought and I will change it" and then move on to a thought that is more compassionate of myself and others. I don't blame myself that much anymore for HAVING the thought, because it's just a thought and I can change it. I'm in charge of what I choose to think.
Imagine this......what if we all realized that we have 3000 opportunities every day to change our thoughts and then DID, IN FACT, CHANGE the thoughts that we didn't like or want to keep....How amazing that would be....
Here's how I think our days would be soooo different.
All of those "negatives", the people and situations that make us crazy would now be seen as opportunities to grow and change. The slow driver teaches us patience, the political extremism teaches us tolerance, the mean boss teaches us to love and value ourselves more, the freak thunderstorm when we are out on our run or walk teaches us trust, the financial stresses teach us gratitude for what we have. They really all contain GIFTS, opportunities to CHANGE.
3,000 times each day we have active choices and opportunities that most of us don't realize.
3,000 times a day we can embrace the thoughts we want to keep and discard the others.
3,000 times each day we can stop blaming
3,000 times every day we can choose peace
3,000 times a day we can love ourselves and others
3,000 times a day we can practice gratitude
3,000 times each and every day we can choose internal peace
simply by changing our thoughts, one thought at a time....3,000 times a day....

3,000 times each day we are empowered.

Love is the answer

8/4/09 - two years ago today 3 women were shot and killed in a horrific shooting in Bridgeville, PA. Two years later, those who survived the shootings continue on. Hopefully all continue to heal - the victims (living and deceased), their families and our community.
The life of my family was changed forever in some ways but we have brought much good out of the terror.....Love is the answer....

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer.
Shine on us all
set us free
Love is the answer

Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
and we are never heard
It's such a lonely world
People turn their heads
and walk on by
Tell me is it worth just another try?

Ask the man inside for the answers
and when you feel afraid...
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when you've lost your way
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when you're all alone
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when you're far from home
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when you're down and out
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when your hope runs out
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
and when you need a friend
LOVE ONE ANOTHER

WE'VE GOT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER

England Dan & John Ford Coley

WWJD - part 2

So, since my previous posting, I've been focused a lot more on wondering "What would Jesus THINK?", as I go through my days and experiences, recognizing that what Jesus would DO proceeds directly from what he would THINK.
It's been a case of "Be careful what you ask for because you just may get it". I have been uncharacteristically critical, judgmental, and impatient with people and it disturbs me. I have encountered some very annoying and thoughtless people and I keep asking myself "what the heck is going on?" and then I realized......I have a lot more work to do with my thoughts, with acceptance, and with thinking with the mind of Christ. I have focused intently on thinking more like Jesus and the universe has been giving me ample opportunities to practice this. Recently, a friend stated that if you want to learn compassion and forgiveness, do one of two things: drive your car, or go to Walmart. We chuckled but then I realized that this world is my classroom and the only way to learn how to be more like Christ is by living in the everyday world, encountering every day people, and everyday annoyances and frustrations. It's easy to think like Jesus when all is quiet and happy and serene in my world, but anybody can do that.
My conscious intention, to think more like Jesus, has created numerous opportunities for me to learn to love people better, as I draw to myself the work, the challenges, of dealing with unreasonable and rude people. It's like God has said "ok...here we go....how are you going to run with this...."
When I figured that out, that what you ask for, you receive, then the exercise became easier for me. It's like God has placed in my path the people and situations that will best optimize my learning. hmmmm....
Here's what I have learned about thinking like Jesus.
It's all about compassion....
simple,real simple.
Not so easy to do.
I can think like ME or I can think like Jesus.
Jesus always looks through the lens of compassion.
I can think like ME or I can think like Jesus....
Jesus sees way beyond our physical presence, our body we present to the world. He looks way beyond our behaviors. He sees the hurts and pain. He sees far beyond all of this. Because when he looks through the lens of compassion, he sees our essence, our pure selves.
I can think like ME about rude people, or I can think like Jesus,
I can think like ME about cruelty, or I can think like Jesus.
I can think like ME about all the negativity I see, or I can think like Jesus.
It really is that simple.......but not so easy.
It is a CHOICE.
Do I want to keep seeing through my own lens and criticize, blame and judge, or do I want to see through the lens of compassion? If I want to do what Jesus would do, I have to think like Jesus would think and I have to see EVERYTHING through a lens of compassion.

I can see with MY eyes or I can see with GOD'S eyes.
Which view do you think feels better and better serves the world?

WWJD - or "What Would Jesus Do?"

Several years ago I started seeing these bumper stickers all over - WWJD aka: What Would Jesus Do?
I believe the phrase originates in the Christian community and is an attempt to encourage people to live in a more Christ-like way. It's an interesting concept to apply to the world in 2011 and beyond. If Jesus was alive today and living in our world, what would he do? It was interesting and amusing and somewhat perplexing for me, however, to notice how the people who had these bumper stickers on their vehicles would drive......Sometimes they were the most discourteous and rude drivers!!!! Which leads me to surmise that they likely think about the question in a macro way. I recall a conversation I participated in over a year ago; people were admonishing themselves for not doing "enough" to serve God. They were thinking macro - mission trips, working in the soup kitchen, fostering children, running youth groups, etc and saying they just didn't have the time to serve God better. I encouraged them to think MICRO - what are the simple acts of love and kindness we can do every single day? I like to think about it on a more basic level - What would Jesus THINK? Because, of course, what he thought and what ran through his mind would determine what he would do, correct? So, if you want to think REALLY MICRO - look at your thoughts and do they likely match what Christ would think???
So, here's an amusing scenerio for us to think about. What if Jesus was living in 2011. Imagine he gets up in the morning to go to work (I wonder what kind of job he would work at - pastor? social worker? community activist?). Anyway, he walks out to his car and steps in the "business" the neighbor's dog kindly left for him. WHAT WOULD HE THINK ABOUT THAT? So, he cleans off his shoes which might put him a little behind on his commute. I wonder what sort of vehicle he would drive - probably some sort of hybrid? So, even though he is running late, he drives the speed limit, because he obeys the law and this infuriates EVERYONE behind him who have wonderful expletives and other unkind things to think and say. WHAT WOULD HE THINK ABOUT THAT?????? And when he gets to work, what would he think about the gossiping, the competitive environment, the overinflated egos??? Let's say he stops after work to pick up a few groceries, like everybody else seems to be doing after work, and he is standing in the EXPRESS line with his 4 items and someone way in front of him has 32 items - WHAT WOULD HE THINK ABOUT THAT???? He is rushing out the door to get home and sees someone approaching the entrance. He realizes he has to stand there for about 5 seconds to avoid the door slamming as she walks up to it. WHAT WOULD HE THINK ABOUT THAT CHOICE???? I think you get my drift.....
If we want to be more Christ-like it HAS TO start with our thoughts. We have to go so MICRO, we ask ourselves, "What would Jesus THINK?". At a quantum level, everything starts with our thoughts and heart based emotions. It starts with compassion and compassionate thoughts.
I like to think that Jesus would bless all the people on the road, at work, in the supermarket, in his neighborhood because he would have compassion for everyone in his heart. I like to think that he would not be so reactive to the inappropriate behaviors and model for all of us a better way. I like to think he would forgive others their trespasses and not hold grudges. I like to think when he encountered impatience and hostility, we would send love and prayers that people's days and lives would go better....That's how I THINK HE WOULD THINK. What about you?

"Come be my Light"

"Come be my light...."
These are the words that inspired Mother Teresa and became her purpose and calling. In September 1946, Mother Teresa, then 36 years old, heard the voice of God speak to her. The call was so powerful and unmistakable that it became her burning desire and life's purpose.

I wasn't raised Catholic and there is much I don't know or understand about the Catholic religion. But I am inspired by Mother Teresa. I know the world has been touched and further enlightened by her life, work, and gentle but powerful example. She is one of my "heroes" and I strive to love people in the way that she did. Despite her lifelong struggles with depression, and feeling disconnected from God, she continued to "be God's light" in the world.

She was God's light in simple, consistent ways. She fed the poor, educated children, cared for the homeless,sick and dying and she did it day after day after day without complaint and with great passion. There was nothing glamorous about working in the ghettos and about helping the most weak and ill and "undesirable" members of society. Not glamorous at all.....I wonder how she did it day after day after day while also feeling disconnected from God? For me, my connection with God creates my sense of hope, optimism, internal peace which allows me to continue to do my work, day after day, after day.

Her light is the same light that is in all of us. How viable is it for us to go out into the world each day when it's not glamorous,when we feel tired and empty inside, when we feel we aren't being "rewarded" in concrete ways? See, that's the characteristic about Mother Teresa that is so amazing to me. She experienced "the call" from God, felt the presence of God in powerful ways, then somehow lost that connection, but continued on and on and on, "being God's light" in the world, day after day, after day. She didn't make excuses. She wasn't a victim.

I wonder what would have happened if Mother Teresa would have taken a day off or a month off or an indefinite period of time because she "just wasn't feeling the love" at that particular time? I don't think there would have been a Nobel prize and all of the good and the light and the love she brought into the world through her work would have......never......happened.... and I wouldn't be writing a post on my blog about this remarkable woman who inspires me. Think about it..........

Think about it....If we want to be God's light in the world, we have to do it every day, in every action, in every thought...even when we are sick and tired and bored and depleted. No excuses...
wow. No waiting to proceed until we are inspired, no complaints about not receiving our just recognition or compensation, no blaming others for less than ideal situations. No excuses...no excuses...no excuses. What a tall order to fill. What a powerful example to emulate.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love. Everything is an opportunity to love" - Mother Teresa

Let it Be

This posting is not about the Beatles, although "Let it Be' is one of my favorite Beatles songs and there is so much wisdom in that song. (maybe that's for another posting).
"Letting it Be" is something I am currently thinking a lot about and trying to actively weave into my daily experiences. "Letting it be", to me, means two things: acknowledging/feeling AND letting go. "Letting it be" means sitting in the stillness of me and the emotion and moment and letting whatever happens, happen. It also means breathing into that "whatever happens" and holding it. Then, I honor the "whatever happens" and smile and breathe again and just...let..go......
Of course, I try to teach this skill to others and I am focused on it more intently recently, because I am learning more about it and seeing the process in a little different light. I'm reading the book "Allowing" by Holly Riley, in which she shares her wonderful story of a near death experience and her subsequent healing process. It's a wonderful book and I recommend it to anyone needing any kind of healing (which isn't that like 99% of us?)
So often, we try not to feel and we do this in all different kinds of ways. Sometimes we outright "stuff" our feelings because we believe they are too painful and we just can't (don't want) to feel them. Other times we more cleverly stuff them by saying we need to change our thoughts about our experiences. This enables us to fast forward through the "feeling" piece and move almost immediately to thinking differently. Ooops. we missed that critical piece in there, the "acknowledging the feeling" piece and honoring it for a moment.....
"Acknowledging the feeling" doesn't mean not feeling. It also doesn't mean staying steeped in the pain. Acknowledging our emotions isn't usually an all-or-nothing venture. Maybe another way to think about it is to see the acknowledgement as an embrace or "hug". We can embrace the moment, hug it and really hold it, then....let go.....
Here's what I have noticed in my clinical work and in my day-to-day going about in the world over the past several days:

-a woman, who has a history of unresolved childhood trauma, who is running in circles, steeped in the pain of a dysfunctional relationship with an addict, who gives her mixed messages and places her worth second to his addiction, and keeps betraying her and thereby replicates her history of trauma, abuse, and victimization. And, she avoids feeling any of the loss and deep sadness and anger. So, she hurts herself and drinks and engages in other dysfunctional behaviors. In sessions, she is able to sit with the feelings for brief moments, and I encourage her to breathe through it. And she comes out on the other side and feels so much better and empowered.
-Several people, who are dealing with the loss a a relationship with family members. They came for treatment after all their attempts to "fix" things failed and they had no choice but to move toward acceptance of the situation. Then the grieving starts, and all the feelings they have been fighting off emerge and FEEL overwhelming. It is like the river that erupts after the dam breaks. As they allow the feelings and move through them, they are able to embrace themselves and feel empowered.
-As I feel stress about the weather, and my commute to and from the office, and the situation in Bahrain, and the status of health care reform, I can take a deep breathe, feel the internal chaos and anxiety and frustration and smile and let it go....allow it it's voice, honor it's voice, then move on.
-I overheard a conversation the other day. Two women were talking about "letting go" of their children, who were high school seniors, contemplating going away to college next Fall. One woman said she was avoiding thinking about it (not allowing her feelings) and would "just deal with it" when it happened. The other woman said she had been dealing with it for the past year, by savoring every moment with her son - the "great" moments of achievements and awards, as well as the "mundane" moments of drives to school and practices and nightly dinners. The second woman has been able to sit with her feelings and allowing herself to honor the pain and loss and thereby using that process to embrace the present.
-An acquaintance was telling me about her migraines. She said when she feels it coming on, she recognizes it as a message from her "self". She becomes quiet and recognizes the fear of "oh no, not again", and allows that, then she usually feels something underneath the fear and that's usually the "cause" of the migraine. She has had success reducing the intensity of the migraine by staying with the root feeling or "cause' and responding to those emotions. As she allows the emotions, the headache often dissipates...She said she used to panic and immediately pop a pill. Now, she accepts that the migraine is a symptom of some "unresponded to" emotion. Acknowledging and allowing the emotion creates the symptom reduction.

Why do we have such an aversion to feeling? We want to feel good, but then avoid anything that we determine feels "bad". Many messages are in the painful feelings and the path to our healing goes through the pain. Resisting keeps it locked up inside of us.

Try this experiment and do a quick scan every day. Be the objective observer and NOTICE what you are feeling. Don't judge the emotion, just notice it, label it if you like. Then ALLOW yourself to just sit with it for a moment or two, hold it, feel it, then imagine it as a mist that fades away or a bird that flies off or a leaf gently moving downstream on a creek.

This is "letting it be". This is accepting and allowing and ultimately moving on. It's not running from or hiding from what hurts.

"When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but will also understand peace and joy"...A Course in Miracles

The time is always right.....

"The time is always right to do what is right"....Dr.Martin Luther King, Jr.

On this day we honor Dr. King. When he was born, a bright light came into the world. That bright light continues on despite his leaving, because he has inspired us all to do better, to love more, to see past differences, and to be more unified.

This is one of my favorite MLK quotes because it is so very simple and basic. There is no time like NOW and NOW is ALWAYS the right time to do what is right.

-Last week a patient was telling me about how, despite all her financial struggles, she and her son bought dinner for a homeless man they encountered in a restaurant. This man was counting out his last coins to be able to purchase a cup of soup and a sandwich - a very basic meal, something we all probably take for granted. As my patient and her son went to the register to pay their bill she asked the cashier to also pay the homeless man's bill, the light was shining....
-I have a friend who recently sat with her friend as she passed away. This was a process of months and the end came recently. My friend held her hand and her heart in her final hours. What greater privilege than to be able to support someone in such a way. As the months wore on and the minutes ticked down and the friendship continued, up until the very final breath, the light was shining.....
-How many individual and collective lights shine on in Tucson, after the recent shootings??? There are more stories of heroism and light than I can mention. I just heard on the news this morning that the organs of nine year old, Christina Taylor Green, were donated to a little girl in Boston. I know this is likely just a small comfort to her family but they said "It's what she would have wanted". The legacy the shooter left behind seems to be one of increased tolerance and unity and recognition that we can agree to disagree and it doesn't have to be an all out war. And the light is shining through ALL OF THIS.....
-There's a young man, a high school student, in my area who saw a need and responded. I read about this in the newspaper. He comes from an upper middle class neighborhood and had a part time job in a restaurant. He was upset one night when, as the restaurant was closing, he saw all of the good food that was being thrown in the dumpster. He talked to the restaurant owner about this and asked if he could take the food to a soup kitchen and the owner agreed. The young man then canvassed several other restaurants in his area and did the same. Today, a network operates to pick up the food each evening at the group of restaurants and take it to a homeless mission. One young man, with a good heart, who responded to his heart. and the light is shining....

The light that shone in Martin Luther King Jr is the same light that shines in all of us. We can all judge less, love better, reach out to others, look past differences....if we choose. The time is now, there is no other time. NOW is all there is.

The Best of 2010

I started blogging in 2010. My intent was twofold: I wanted to become more mindful, more consciously aware of every moment and the power in every moment. Secondly, I wanted to notice and experience the magic and miracles in every day life. Blogging has been a conduit for doing so!
As I reflect back on my year, 2010, I recognize that changing my thoughts and hanging out in gratitude has been the actual conduit to experiencing my life differently. It has been quite proactive, much less reactive.
The power is definitely in the MOMENT, in the NOW. As I recognize the power in NOW, I am empowered.
I have been reflecting back on the year and this concept of empowerment and have a short list of people I know, have known, or interacted with this year, that seem to exemplify empowerment.
-My nursing home patients, who deal with illness, limitations, loss on a daily, hourly basis. Some have recently become residents, leaving behind family, pets, daily activities, comforts of home,to deal with living in an institution. No wonder they struggle with anxiety and depression. Others have been living in the nursing home for many years, so many years that some of them have lost track of the years. Some of them no longer have family or friends around to visit them. Some of them have limited memories of their past, their identities, how they lived their lives, who are "are", so to speak. It is interesting and amazing to me to see those that cope with the situation best - those with a strong sense of faith or spirituality, those who are able to have gratitude for NOW. The most valuable lesson I have learned from them is the power of NOW and the empowerment of GRATITUDE.
Some of them have passed on this year and my work with them is done. However, our work together is not, as I continue to learn from them. Even in their finals days, most of them had work to do - things to talk about, people to forgive, things to let go of. They have taught me so much about the fragility of the physical, and the strength of the spirit.

-My friend, Tim, who passed away this year. From talking with his family recently, I have learned that he had been sick for at least a year. He never told me. For whatever reason, he never said "I am dying of cancer". That's ok, I respect that. What Tim taught me over the years about friendship is invaluable. Our paths diverged in life and while we both continued on in our careers, I also had two children, and much of my energy went to them. Sometimes, when he would come home to visit his family for holidays, we couldn't get together. But he ALWAYS tried - he always called and we at least talked. Sometimes I would think to myself, "Why does he keep in touch?", when I was super busy and couldn't get together. But, he had no children, he understood my energy was all over the place and that was ok. he ALWAYS kept trying. He ALWAYS valued our friendship. The last time we met, we shared dinner and it was wonderful. We had time, we could relax and "catch up" with each other. The most valuable thing I learned from Tim is that friendships MATTER. People will not always be around, nurture what you have. Thanks, Tim.

-all of my patients, who are symbols of courage to me. I truly believe that in a therapeutic relationship, everyone is changed. I am changed each session because I learn more about the resiliency of the human spirit. I do hear the most god-awful stories in my work. And I do hear them over and over, only the characters change but the darkness of humanity doesn't. When I hear another story, I sometimes think to myself "There is nothing new under the sun. I have heard this before" But, other times I think, "Wow, I can't believe it - that something so horrible can happen". But, all of my patients have come for healing and that is the goal I focus on. And they do heal and move on. They work very actively on change. They make major changes in thoughts and behaviors. They spill their guts out all over the place, and are released and renewed. They leave therapy empowered. In my dark moments, I sometimes remember one of the stories that they have shared with me and the healing they have experienced and I am changed. I am so encouraged, so much more hopeful, so proud of them and the work they did on their journey and I learn from them.

What I have learned about magic and miracles in my daily life is this
-Gratitude changes EVERYTHING. It's extremely powerful. It's a game changer.
-I make active choices every second of every day in terms of what I choose to think. I have the power in every moment to change my thoughts.
-Love is really all that matters. Every day I try to ask myself, "Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?". The answer is always love.
-Now is all there is. The past is gone, we don't know if we have the next breath, the next moment. Now is all we have to work with anyway.
I choose to try to fill each NOW, each moment with gratitude and love. Therein is the miracle. To the degree to which I change my thoughts, my world changes exponentially.

Here's to 2011!!!!!!

phantom limb pain

Often I write about recurring themes, in my work and in my life (or both). The writing helps me to connect the dots, so to speak and to make better sense of the recurring themes. Over the past two weeks, I have had two patients come in complaining about phantom limb pain. The one person had a hip replacement a couple years previous, and was still having occasional pain. The second person came in a couple days later, dealing with chronic pain issues. He was a veteran and had suffered some broken and shattered bones. He stated his doctor told him he had healed well and the residual pain was "phantom limb" pain, even though he had not had an amputation. He talked about the discussion he had with his physician about chronic pain, brain neurology, and "pain pathways". His doctor told him the pain would continue to subside in time, as the pain pathways extinguished themselves.
A day or so later, I had another patient come in and talk about how she needed to "let go" of past hurts and her realization that holding on to and replaying the old hurts in her mind was detrimental to her. It kept her steeped in the pain.
Pain is pain. Each of these individuals was sharing experiences related to pain and to pain pathways. In a previous post (Use it or Lose it), I wrote about brain pathways, how the brain is "wired" and how our thoughts create neural pathways in the brain. The more we "use" a thought, the more established that pathway becomes in the brain. The less we "use" a thought, the less active that particular pathway becomes in the brain.
Emotional pain can become like "phantom limb' pain. The injury and hurt occurred long ago, but we keep "replaying" the incidents over and over in our brain, reinforcing the pain pathway. Of course, I am not talking about severe trauma or abuse which results in Acute Stress Disorder or PTSD. These disorders involve hyperarousal of the central nervous system and require specific interventions to assist the person who has been traumatized. I am talking about the "normal" kinds of hurt and pain we experience in life. People deliberately hurt us for various reasons, loved ones disappoint us, bad things happen in life and we feel emotional pain.
The theraputic process allows people to let go of pain. In therapy, people are able to recognize the pain, allow themselves to fully feel it, forgive, and let go, (cut off or "amputate" the pain). Often, that process involves some rituals. People may write letters or keep a diary of "hurts", then when they are ready, they move to forgiveness and symbolically "let go" of the pain, burying the writings, or burning or shredding them. Years ago, I had a patient who wrote a series of letters to deceased relatives and when each letter was complete, he went to the grave site, read the letter, tied it to helium balloons, and watched as they floated away. He experienced such a sense of relief watching the "hurts" float up, up, and far away.
In my own life, I have nursed hurts and pains. I have "run through" hurtful situations over and over in my mind. It is interesting that it seems as if the more I entertain the thought or memory, the more the thought hangs around. Who wouldn't, if you are throwing a party and entertaining them (the thoughts)? When I decided to close that door, to acknowledge the hurt or injustice then let go, and escort it out the door, the pain subsides. I have come to see the wisdom in forgiving and letting go. No more "phantom hurt" pain. No more spectors of the past hanging around and popping up to annoy or torture me. The pain pathways have lost their strength and power. The memories remain but they don't hold the emotional impact. I have moved on.
We all have the power, and the choice, to let go and move on. Whether it be a hurtful event, a bad day at work, a betrayal, a loss, we can choose to acknowledge, then move on. We can choose not to "go down that road" again. We can choose a healing and more benevolent pathway to go down. Our pain will extinguish itself, in time. We can continue to experience the pain (much like phantom limb pain) or we can heal. We can establish new, healthier pathways in our brains.

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?"....Rosa Parks

Let's not keep reactivating old pain. Let's allow our brains to generate new and healthy.

Use it or Lose it

As a runner, I know full well the effects of conditioning and de-conditioning. Every spring, summer, and fall, when I am established in a consistent training schedule, I run farther and faster with less effort. Every winter, as I wind down and run much less, I get consistently slower and slower and slower....When I "use it" (my cardiovascular system), I grow stronger. When I don't, I "lose it" (my fitness level).
As a therapist, I understand the power of mental conditioning, or changing our thoughts. Do you know that every time we have a thought, an electrochemical process occurs in our brain? If you could look at the brain when the "thought" occurs, you would see chemicals being released and electrical impulses carrying those chemicals between the nerve synapses. And so, a neural "pathway" occurs in the brain and becomes established. How does that thought become stronger? You "use it"- repeat the thought over and over and over and strengthen the pathway in the brain. The more you "use it" (that pathway), the stronger it becomes. Many of our thoughts are automatic. We've been thinking them for years and years and decades and they become engrained in our sense of self and how we define the world.
WE CAN CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS. When we decide to think something new, we begin establishing a new neural pathway in our brain. In order for that thought to become more "natural" or second nature to us, we have to practice the thought - create it over and over. The more we "use" that pathway in the brain, the stronger it becomes. So, when we are trying to eliminate a negative thought and substitute a positive one, the old thought (which we think less and less often) starts to extinguish itself and the new thought, (which we practice over and over), becomes stronger and stronger.

I'm working on extinguishing certain negative thoughts. The thoughts are about the world and people and how it "should" be and how I wish people were. The new thoughts I am substituting are about how things ARE. What people DO. And I'm moving more toward objectivity and noticing how things are and what people do and not judging it so much. It FEELS very different. I am noticing less stress because I don't allow the world or people to determine the quality of my moment.
When I drive, I try to "notice" what other drivers do instead of determining that they are terrible drivers. The other day, A patient shared with me her experience of having a conversation with her mother and thinking to herself "That's just how she thinks, I think differently" and noticing she felt compassion toward her mother instead of the usual anger. I have patients with panic disorders who are gaining control over their symptoms when they think, "That's just my anxiety. I've felt it before, I'll feel it again. It doesn't feel good but it's just a feeling and it will pass" instead of "Oh my God....It's happening again...I can't handle this...This is terrible"..."
The choice is about which path you want to go down. You establish the neural pathway in your brain. If you don't like where that path is going, change the thought. Many times people feel so much more empowered when they say "I choose not to go down that road". They choose a new path and practice going down that path over and over.
Use it or lose it. What thoughts do you choose to use and wire your brain to continue to produce? And what thoughts do you abandon, and what wiring do you extinguish in your brain? I choose to go down the pathway of compassion and tolerance. It feels great.

The Gift of Fear

August 4......One year ago there was a horrendous shooting at a health club in my community. My daughter was inside. Only a wall separated her from the gunman. Three women died. Three women who had homes and careers and friends and family who loved them deeply. They are irreplaceable. Many others were shot or sustained injuries from bullet fragments. Lives were changed. Everyone who was inside suffered psychological trauma, including staff. First responders experienced emotional trauma as they came upon the scene. Lets not forget family members of all affected. I was one of them. The horror of knowing someone you love so deeply may have been snatched from you in such a violent and senseless way is beyond anything I can describe. I lived that horror in the days and weeks and months that followed. I lived the emotional numbness and sense of everything being surreal. That was a year ago.

One year later....I still feel such a deep sense of sadness for everyone involved. As I sit at my computer now and write, I cry.
One year later....I am so grateful that we are not victims. At least for my daughter and my family, I can say we have moved from victims to survivors to thrivers.
One year later,I still feel the fear, but I am not immobilized by it.
God has shown me a better way...

Pain is an adaptive response. It is the body's way of telling us that something is wrong. Without pain, we often would not even know we are sick or some part of us is malfunctioning. When we have pain, the logical response is to do something about it (self care, seek medical help). It would be irrational to ignore the pain and walk around saying "ouch ouch ouch...it hurts" and do nothing.
I have come to see fear in a similar way. It is like my soul's way of telling me, "something is wrong...it is dark...the world is malfunctioning in some way...go to God" It would be irrational for me to ignore the fear, to walk around saying, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid" and not seek help.

So, I have come to be able to use fear in an adaptive way. My fear is a normal response to an abnormal, maladaptive, crazy world. I can't change the world. But I can change myself and my response to the world. I can acknowledge the fear, allow myself to feel it, but not HANG OUT THERE. I can go elsewhere. I can see the fear as an open door, and invitation to seek God, to find comfort. When I do this, God responds - an unexpected phone call from a friend, a song on the radio as I drive to work, that wonderful feeling of peace that passes all understanding...

In the past year, I have made the decision that I am not going to live in fear any longer. I can see the gift in fear and brings gifts of healing, reconnection, and compassion from it. This is how I move from victim to survivor to thriver.

Peace be with you all.

Fragments of My Day

Sometimes, when I can't sleep despite being so tired, I think about my day. Like today.......
I run through events, try to complete unfinished thoughts, and empty my mind.
-Breakfast with my daughters. So rare they are both home and both available. Their schedules, my schedule....So nice to have the time. In a few weeks, they will both be gone, off to school again.
-my appointments today, my clinical work....A bipolar woman who is appreciating mood stability for the first time ever, and establishing "normal" for herself...a woman struggling with feelings of betrayal and questioning if she can ever trust her spouse again after discovering he is a sex addict....a daughter, grieving the death of her mother and slowly healing as she reconnects with family and friends she had long abandoned....a single father raising a son and daughter under the shadow of an abusive mother he loathes but must still live with.....a couple who never really got to know each other because children came along quickly and interrupted intimacy...
-I had some really good fried rice for dinner...take-out from a restaurant near my office. there's some left and it's in my fridge...hmmmmm...thinking of finishing it off.
-great conversation with a friend on the drive home from work.....we talked about how God appears to us at the oddest of times and how it's so freaky but NICE when that happens..
-walking my dog on the trail at dusk. We owned the trail because no one else was out. It was quiet and a slight fog was setting in. It smelled so nice...pine needles, some sort of wild flowers.
-chatting briefly with some friends on line before going to bed.
-snuggling with my husband(and the cat)in bed.......falling asleep..........only to wake up 20 minutes later....
=oh yeah, and I'm remembering that I forgot to water the plants outside when I got home and it was pretty hot today...it's ok, they'll be fine, It was only in the 80's today, not the 90's...

It was a good day. It had the main and most important ingredients: time with family, meaningful work, great food, friends, my home and my pets.

Life is good........

Going Home

"I will be still in an instant and go home"

For me, this is a very powerful directive. It is about recognizing who I REALLY am and why I am here in this life. The text that this statement comes from talks about that KNOWING that we all have, that we are in this world but not "of this world", that we came from another place and in our very distant memory, we have a deep longing for that place. I remind myself daily that I am NOT a physical being having a spiritual experience, but rather a spiritual being having a physical experience. "going home" is that remembering of where I came from, my Source, with whom I am still quite connected, even though I don't always recognize it in my daily flurry of activities.

When I follow this directive, everything calms in an instant.

What is the result of this "going home"?. It translates into a dramatic change in how I live the minutes of each day, the days of each week. When I "go home" I don't worry so much about traffic, and bills, and chores. In the stillness is an expansion of my awareness of the freedom I have to make positive choices. In the stillness is an expansion of my awareness of LOVE. In the stillness, I bask in gratitude. It FEELS so freeing.

Someday, for real, we will "go home". We will all die and move on. All of our worrying about this and that and money and stress and responsibilities and oil spills and everything else we all worry about will just......fade......away.....
Sometimes people come to this realization as their lives are ending.
Others are able to grasp this reality and embrace it.

We don't have to wait until we are dying to be kind to someone, to let someone go ahead of us in traffic, to hear the birds sing, to feed the birds, to enjoy the sunshine as we go for a walk, to hug a friend, to practice forgiveness, to encourage someone who seems down, to stifle an impatient desire to hurry someone along, to sing a song. In an instant, we can choose a better response, we can be still and in an instant, go home.....

We don't have to wait until we go home, to "go home"

Again, the choice is in the remembering...

"I will be still and in an instant, go home"

Gratitude

Gratitude is something I am constantly "preaching" to my clients. I consider it a Life Skill. I can't even imagine a life without it!
So, in the practice of "practicing what I preach", I am noticing all of the daily small miracles I experience.

- Tuesday morning I awoke to a thunderstorm. I had planned to run that morning - darn. I rolled over and listened to all the wonderful sounds of the rain... so peaceful, rhythmic and calming....I realized my legs were pretty tight from all the running I had been doing. I thanked God that "there is a time to every purpose under heaven." There definately is a time to rest. I can be a slug today..I smiled and listened to the rain and caught an extra hour of peaceful sleep: NICE
-Tuesday afternoon I arrived at the office to find a newborn fawn near the front door, behind a bush. Apparently mother deer do that to newborns, leaving them in a "safe place" until they return. Those few moments of eye contact were amazing. The fawn was fearless, wide eyed and totally beautiful: PRICELESS
-Tuesday afternoon, in search of the fawn who had run into the woods after a dog appeared in our parking lot, I ventured out. Never realized how thick the patch of woods behind the office was. Geez, I'm usually in and out the back door so quickly. A wonderful midday break, walking in the coolness of the woods and the extra bonus of ripe raspberries I discovered on my jaunt. Now I have a new sanctuary in the midst of hectic days. (Never did spot the fawn):NEAT
-Texting.....I love it! I get these random texts from my daughter (the med student) who is in Tennessee on a 5 week internship. The most recent was "I almost had a baby pee on me today!" Gotta smile: TOO FUNNY
-Yesterday I remembered an interaction with a butterfly on Saturday 6/12 when my friend, Tim, passed. (See previous posting). Someone was talking about butterflies and I instantly remembered coming home Saturday, prior to the onset of the unexplained deep sadness and seeing a butterfly on the ground in the driveway. It was so beautiful and it followed me. When I stopped, it stopped, sitting on a stone. When I walked several feet, it followed. I was talking to it, telling it how beautiful it was and how much I enjoyed it's faithful company. I had sense it was there with me for a purpose. As I went back into the house, I said a loving "goodbye" to the butterfly. The deep sadness descended shortly thereafter. I like to think it was Tim, saying a peaceful and loving "goodbye" "thanks for your friendship": SMILE
-Meeting a "regular" on the trail yesterday morning. I finished my run, he was biking. He is a "trail buddy", one of the group of us "regulars" who frequent the trail. Hadn't seen him in over a year. Had a great conversation. Making new friends after losing an old friend: HEALING

Another Goodbye

Saturday afternoon a deep sense of sadness seemed to fall upon me. Couldn't figure it out. I had a great morning, volunteering for local 5K and 10K races, working registration and then finish line, supporting fellow runners and socializing. It was fun.
The profound sadness descended later and it didn't make sense. My oldest daughter had left that morning for a 5 week internship, out of state. I felt some sadness about missing her but it didn't explain the depth of what I was feeling. I went about the rest of my day, going to bed early, just to end the day. Sunday was much better and I forgot about the sadness of the previous day and didn't try to figure it out.

wow......This morning as I was getting ready for work, I did a quick check of my email, Facebook, etc. I subscribe to several of these "positive thought of the day" services. I felt pretty good and positive and was in a hurry, so I deleted them without reading them. This one WOULD NOT delete. I deleted it twice and it popped back up. So the quiet voice of wisdom in my head said "you need to read this one, it is not going away". So I read the positive thought, which was about being courageous and strong, not panicking, and trusting God. "uh oh".....I thought, "does that mean something bad is going to happen today?"

My morning was uneventful. I did my usual Monday morning at the nursing home. No surprises there today, no "CTB" beside anyone's name. My patients were all doing fairly well and in pleasant moods.
I had a couple hours until my first appointment in the office, so I purchased the local newspaper and stopped at a restaurant for breakfast. My breakfast was uneventful until I saw the obituary of a dear friend..............wow..............What happened to him?????????
I sat there stunned. This could not be........

My friend Tim was first a colleague, then a friend. We "grew up " together in the early days of our careers, cutting our professional teeth together. We shared our hopes and dreams and supported each others efforts. We cheered for each other, each step along the way and encouraged the other when one of us was discouraged. Then as we both progressed in our careers, he moved across the country and our contacts were briefer. We would meet each summer when he was in town visiting family for a few weeks, and usually during the Christmas holiday as well. Gosh, I was just thinking the other day that I haven't seen him in over a year. He never contacted me last summer and the summer flew by. In late August, I got a frantic phone call. He had seen THE PICTURES in The Denver Post, of the horrendous shooting (I have mentioned in previous posts), and he wanted to know if we were all ok. I called him back, missed him and left a voicemail message, reassuring him we were all ok. You know, that was the last time I heard his voice. He sent me an email in the past few months, about an honor he had received, and I quickly emailed back with warm congratulations and NEVER HEARD ANOTHER WORD FROM HIM.

As I sat in my office this afternoon, I pulled up his obituary online and checked info on the arrangements his family had set up. I read the online condolences......I offered my condolences and memories online and started to cry and cry...That reality hit me, that he was gone and we would never talk again, never laugh together until we cried again, never insult each other again, never encourage each other again, never share a meal together again, never worry about each other again.....no more ever agains, NO MORE AGAINS....wow....

This afternoon I was talking with a friend at work and she was consoling me. When we talked about the "positive message" I received this morning, the one that would not delete, I stated, "maybe that was a message from Tim". My friend commented further, "Maybe that was Tim telling you not to fear, have courage and continue on"......Her words ECHOED in my mind and I had that eerie moment of KNOWING. Tim was with me in the profound sadness Saturday (the day he passed on). He spoke to me this morning in the annoying "positive message" that would not delete, that didn't seem at all positive to me in that moment. He was saying, "I'm ok, have no fear, be courageous, do not panic.....life goes on......"

This evening I will go to the funeral home, because I want to say "goodbye" in that way. I know I will cry, a lot. I will likely laugh too, with his family and other friends as we remember how crazy he could be.

I believe that Tim said his own "goodbye" to me, in his own way - in the sadness of Saturday, and in the encouragement of this morning's "message".

This one is certainly going to take some time.......

Writing a New Story

I just finished Donald Miller's new book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". For me, reading Don's work is an experience. His writing stays with me, long after the book is finished. I have been very contemplative while reading it and have read it very slowly.......not wanting the book to ever end.......but it finally did, this evening. I had one short chapter left and I resisted reading it......but the end finally came. So, as I have been reading it over the past few weeks and digesting it, I now am wanting to write about the messages it has given me.

In the book, Don talks about not "having a life", recognizing that his life is boring and that all he does is sit on the couch and watch tv. He begins to learn about the elements of "story" and decides to incorporate story into his life, and thereby creates a much more deep and meaningful existence. In his words, "I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants".
I've been thinking about my own life and I have to admit, I have few regrets. I have always lived my life in a quiet but daring kind of way. I believe it goes back to a scrape with death at age 21, when my appendix ruptured not once, but twice. I laid in bed, post surgery, for two weeks with tubes everywhere, and nothing but time on my hands, to think. (Back then, there were no tvs in hospital rooms). And the doctors told me it was a miracle, I was very lucky to be alive, that no one's appendix ruptures, seals over, and after a month of all that poison in their system, to have it rupture again, and live to tell of it.......And I was sick and afraid and I laid in bed and thought and thought and thought......What would my life have meant if I died at 21? I hadn't accomplished anything, I hadn't even graduated from college yet.....I didn't even really know who I was and what I was meant to do or be........And those thoughts continued on as I continued to recover and to eventually return to college and graduate, and marry, and go back to school, and live my life........always with a sense of awe and wonder and PURPOSE. That medical emergency turned out to be a turning point for me.
So, as I have been reading and pondering Don's book for the last couple of weeks, I have been noticing "people who move and breathe and face conflict with courage" and the images have become like a collage....each its own beautiful picture to me, and all together, a powerful statement. I'd like to share a few of these:

-my 92 year old nursing home resident, who said goodbye to me, knowing intuitively that she would not see me again. She took advantage of our last visit together to let go of some feelings, to forgive some people, and to say thank you and goodbye to me! She came to the realization that she had a life well lived.
-my friend, who at age 48, ran her first marathon. She ran it with purpose and yes, she did complete it. I am so proud of her.
-a woman, who at age 58, decided to "get off the couch" and create a life that involves more than work and coming home and watching tv. She is going out and trying new things and finding happiness in ways she never expected.
-my daughter's friend, Gabrielle, who right now, today, is in New Orleans, spending her summer helping victims of Katrina. She writes about the daily joys and struggles and hopes and fears, in her blog. She went there knowing no one and is facing significant hardship. She learns something new every day.
-my oldest daughter, who is about to complete her first year of medical school. Being a physician and serving the underserved is her passion and her calling. It has been a difficult year, as is expected, but for her especially given that she left home and moved to a new city and started medical school THREE DAYS after being at a horrific shooting scene where three women died (as mentioned in my previous posts).
-an established health care professional who is pursuing his passion for music by writing and performing, "putting himself out there", and thereby facing many fears.
-a young woman dealing with the grief of a siblings suicide and struggling to bring good, purposeful action out of the tragedy.

These are each snapshots of courage. All of these people are just "normal" people. They all "got up off the couch" and started living in a more purposeful way, even if it was just to complete the final days of their life (as with my 92 year old patient). They are unwilling to be victims of a situation but are finding purpose. They have decided to "write a better story".

In closing this post, I will again quote Donald Miller, who says it far better than I ever could, "We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off, we have to blow up the inner-tubes and head to the river. We have to write the poem and deliver it in person. We have to pull the car off the road and hike to the top of the hill. We have to put on our suits, we have to dance at weddings....."

goodbye

Today, one of my nursing home patients said "goodbye" to me. She is 92 years old and tells me she is dying. She stopped being able to eat. She says her system has "stopped functioning" and she knows she is dying. She shared all kinds of feelings of sadness and loss. Then after "unloading" all of this, she said she felt better. She has a strong faith and this is a comfort. She thanked me for listening and caring. As we parted, she quietly, once again, said "goodbye - I know I won't see you again"......
It's so odd, I have worked as a therapist for 30 years, and no one has ever said "goodbye" in that way before. There are lots of goodbyes, many times for very good reasons - people heal, are doing much better, and move on, not needing the support any longer. People move geographically. Sometimes people leave without saying goodbye - they quit coming in for appointments, or they are doing fairly well but terminate prematurely, without saying a proper goodbye. Or they die - suicide, overdose, or they are sick and die. But in these situations, no one has ever said "goodbye" to me before they left. If it's a true desire to suicide, they don't tell me, they don't tell anyone, they just do it. The overdoses are always accidental - people do the same thing over and over and don't die but who knows why on that particular day they die.......and when people are sick and dying, they don't usually know that it will be the last time we meet, or if they know, they don't tell me.
So, today, my lovely 92 year old friend said "goodbye". What a special moment it was for me. You know, there's this part of me that wanted to scream "NO!!! don't be silly, you're not dying!!!!".....but she is 92 years old and she's no longer eating and she had a very powerful and moving dream about dying and is at peace.....So I didn't scream the thoughts that a part of me had.....I held her hand and listened and sent her love. And, in that final parting, when she once again affirmed that this really was goodbye and she would not see me again.....it was as if time stood still, for just a brief few moments......It felt so odd yet moving and purposeful.......Every day I learn from others. Today is a new lesson, a lesson about being in a sad and odd and moving moment and not trying to "fix" anything.....just being there with someone.....and feeling and accepting.

h o p e

Hope is something we sometimes feel in a BIG way, like a flashing neon light, very warm and welcoming, inviting us to something better. Other times, it is like a tiny spark, barely visible.....

I have been thinking about hope recently, probably for a couple reasons. Of course, in my work, I see people daily who seem sometimes bereft of hope. I always have to remember that by the time people end up in my office, they have already been struggling for months and years and sometimes decades. They have tried everything they could think of, and have often been to doctors and therapists in the past. No wonder they are frustrated and feeling hopeless. So, some days, at work, it feels as if I am immersed in hopelessness.....

I have been thinking about hope also because it is spring, my favorite season! And, I have been planting seeds! I do this each spring and I am like a little kid and still find it so fascinating. I go to the store and purchase the seeds. Then I go home and plant the seeds in soil in pots and set the pots on my deck and water them and WAIT AND SEE......I check them every day to see WHAT IS HAPPENING....I read the label for the "expected growth date" and am so excited when they start to sprout in 3 days verses the 7-10 days that it says on the seed pack. And I keep checking and checking every day because the little seeds ACTUALLY GROW and KEEP GROWING and become these beautiful, delicate and unique flowers!

I was watching tv Sunday morning, or really I was flicking through stations, and caught part of Joel Osteen. I like Joel a lot and I think that in many ways, his message is all about hope. Maybe I'm taking his message on Sunday out of context because I did happen onto it in the final 5 minutes but here's what I took from it - It matters what we do with hope. Sometimes we have just a small h o p e, but don't let it die because it is so small, we can also nurture it and see what happens.

This morning as I checked my pots on the deck and the growing sprouts, I was amazed to realize that the hardiest sprouts are the ones which were tiny, tiny, seeds. They looked like tiny black specks of dust and when I placed them in the soil, a part of me wondered "will these really become beautiful flowers?". And, the bigger seeds, the ones that were the size of small peas, have barely sprouted!

So, now I'm thinking - hope is hope. It doesn't matter if it is a huge flashing neon sign HOPE, or a tiny spark, barely visible
h o p e. It's what we do with it that matters.

I know I have followers and invite comments. Tell me about your experiences with hope!