Saturday afternoon a deep sense of sadness seemed to fall upon me. Couldn't figure it out. I had a great morning, volunteering for local 5K and 10K races, working registration and then finish line, supporting fellow runners and socializing. It was fun.
The profound sadness descended later and it didn't make sense. My oldest daughter had left that morning for a 5 week internship, out of state. I felt some sadness about missing her but it didn't explain the depth of what I was feeling. I went about the rest of my day, going to bed early, just to end the day. Sunday was much better and I forgot about the sadness of the previous day and didn't try to figure it out.
wow......This morning as I was getting ready for work, I did a quick check of my email, Facebook, etc. I subscribe to several of these "positive thought of the day" services. I felt pretty good and positive and was in a hurry, so I deleted them without reading them. This one WOULD NOT delete. I deleted it twice and it popped back up. So the quiet voice of wisdom in my head said "you need to read this one, it is not going away". So I read the positive thought, which was about being courageous and strong, not panicking, and trusting God. "uh oh".....I thought, "does that mean something bad is going to happen today?"
My morning was uneventful. I did my usual Monday morning at the nursing home. No surprises there today, no "CTB" beside anyone's name. My patients were all doing fairly well and in pleasant moods.
I had a couple hours until my first appointment in the office, so I purchased the local newspaper and stopped at a restaurant for breakfast. My breakfast was uneventful until I saw the obituary of a dear friend..............wow..............What happened to him?????????
I sat there stunned. This could not be........
My friend Tim was first a colleague, then a friend. We "grew up " together in the early days of our careers, cutting our professional teeth together. We shared our hopes and dreams and supported each others efforts. We cheered for each other, each step along the way and encouraged the other when one of us was discouraged. Then as we both progressed in our careers, he moved across the country and our contacts were briefer. We would meet each summer when he was in town visiting family for a few weeks, and usually during the Christmas holiday as well. Gosh, I was just thinking the other day that I haven't seen him in over a year. He never contacted me last summer and the summer flew by. In late August, I got a frantic phone call. He had seen THE PICTURES in The Denver Post, of the horrendous shooting (I have mentioned in previous posts), and he wanted to know if we were all ok. I called him back, missed him and left a voicemail message, reassuring him we were all ok. You know, that was the last time I heard his voice. He sent me an email in the past few months, about an honor he had received, and I quickly emailed back with warm congratulations and NEVER HEARD ANOTHER WORD FROM HIM.
As I sat in my office this afternoon, I pulled up his obituary online and checked info on the arrangements his family had set up. I read the online condolences......I offered my condolences and memories online and started to cry and cry...That reality hit me, that he was gone and we would never talk again, never laugh together until we cried again, never insult each other again, never encourage each other again, never share a meal together again, never worry about each other again.....no more ever agains, NO MORE AGAINS....wow....
This afternoon I was talking with a friend at work and she was consoling me. When we talked about the "positive message" I received this morning, the one that would not delete, I stated, "maybe that was a message from Tim". My friend commented further, "Maybe that was Tim telling you not to fear, have courage and continue on"......Her words ECHOED in my mind and I had that eerie moment of KNOWING. Tim was with me in the profound sadness Saturday (the day he passed on). He spoke to me this morning in the annoying "positive message" that would not delete, that didn't seem at all positive to me in that moment. He was saying, "I'm ok, have no fear, be courageous, do not panic.....life goes on......"
This evening I will go to the funeral home, because I want to say "goodbye" in that way. I know I will cry, a lot. I will likely laugh too, with his family and other friends as we remember how crazy he could be.
I believe that Tim said his own "goodbye" to me, in his own way - in the sadness of Saturday, and in the encouragement of this morning's "message".
This one is certainly going to take some time.......
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