Yesterday I saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and have been pondering the messages the movie brings. One of the central themes, it seems to me, is self forgiveness. In the movie, Liz is desperately trying to come to terms with the end of her marriage and embarks on this journey in attempt to reclaim parts of herself. At the ashram, she meets "Richard from Texas", who is also needing to forgive himself big time. Obviously, they learn about this process from each other.
In my clinical work, I treat people who want to heal. The themes of forgiveness and especially self forgiveness permeate the work. Central elements of self forgiveness are recognizing the impact of our actions on others, and making amends, of sorts, in any way we can. This is how we "let go"; otherwise we stay stuck in guilt.
In my experience, religion has been a strong influence in evoking guilt and self blame in very unhealthy ways. This has seemed to be a dilemma for many people. Even the concept of "grace" does little to dispel the guilt for many people. They say they are "forgiven" yet reiterate that they are "sinners" and continue to berate themselves for "falling short". Sometimes I wonder if God looks at this with tears in his eyes and says, "You just aren't getting it, are you?". We say we want to be like God, yet we hold on to self reproach and can't forgive ourselves, as God has. And if God expects us to follow his example, then he expects us to forgive ourselves.
Maybe we forget the part about making amends......and if we are angry with ourselves, how in the world do we make amends to ourselves???? Religion typically teaches us to be contrite, confess, FEEL BAD. But religion is not very good at teaching us how to compassionately treat ourselves when we screw up. And we do screw up, sometimes a lot.....
Being compassionate with oneself and forgiving oneself is major. It's a LIFE SKILL. You hear all these cliches "practice random acts of kindness", "practice forgiveness". You NEVER hear "practice self kindness' or "practice self forgiveness". It all starts with us, folks. Not in a narcissistic way but in a healing, healthy, spiritual way.
Today I had a final session with a patient, who is transferring care because of an insurance change. We talked about self forgiveness and the nuts and bolts of how she can compassionately treat herself. While she is not yet at the goal of self forgiveness, she can PRACTICE it. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Don't wait to reach the goal of self forgiveness, start practicing today. Do kind things for yourself.
One of the ways I am compassionate with myself is by being silly or goofy. REALLY. Because it lightens things, helps me to laugh at myself and let go. I stop being so darn serious about life in those moments.
So today, I think we should all practice self forgiveness and self compassion. We should all do kind things for ourselves. We should be silly and goofy. Share your experiences if you wish. I'm still learning this stuff, myself....
Showing posts with label self forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self forgiveness. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Self Forgiveness
Seems to me that self forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do. I admit I have difficulty with this, as do many, many people. It is not an uncommon problem. Why is it that we have such incredibly high and unrealistic standards for ourselves? We can forgive someone else twenty times over before we forgive ourselves. We have so much more compassion for others than for ourselves.
Today, I learned that one of my favorite patients at the nursing home passed away. I had the honor of meeting him last summer when the referral showed up on my clinic list one day. He was youngish for the nursing home (mid to late 40's). He was there because of kidney failure, secondary to diabetes. The first time we met, he told me he struggled with self forgiveness. He had regrets in life. Specifically, what he shared with me was that he had not watched his diabetes and had poor self care until his condition became so bad he was confined to the nursing home. Now, he was so angry with himself for not taking better care of himself. And, now it was too late to do anything to reverse the damage that had been done. We talked about his relationship with God. He said he believed God had forgiven him. So, then we talked about his relationship with HIMSELF. He was really tough on himself, with all his "SHOULDAS". So I listened while he talked. I don't even recall exactly what I said to him, but the message was self forgiveness and that if God forgives us, who do we think we are to not follow this example?
After that first meeting, he was more at peace. At subsequent meetings, he told me he had FINALLY forgiven himself. His anxiety diminished some. Each visit, I listened while he talked. He had a nice Christmas with family. Little did I know when I last met with him that it would be our last meeting. I asked again, how was he doing with the self forgiveness and he reassured ME that he was still in a good place with that issue and had long forgiven himself.
Today, when I walked into the clinic to pick up my schedule, I saw his name with "CTB" beside it. The first time I ever saw that notation, I asked a nurse "What does this mean? Does it mean Confined To Bed? Because if it does, I can go to the patients room to see them". And the nurse gently told me, "No, that means "CEASED TO BREATHE"........
CEASED TO BREATHE.....or rather, died........So, I saw his name and CTB and I walked back to my office and took a deep breath and shed a tear, before I had to take my first patient and dive into my schedule.....It was a very busy schedule today, which was probably good because I didn't have a lot of time to think.
As I left later in the morning, I walked to my car, in the beautiful sunshiney, warm day and again, I thought about him. I felt happy for him that he had found peace. I thought about his courage in what he was dealing with. I felt some wonder at his ability to forgive himself. I realized I had learned some more about self forgiveness from him. As the old adage goes, sometimes the student is a teacher and the teacher his student..........Thanks 'R" for being my teacher and for being a role model for me. God Bless and rest in peace.
Today, I learned that one of my favorite patients at the nursing home passed away. I had the honor of meeting him last summer when the referral showed up on my clinic list one day. He was youngish for the nursing home (mid to late 40's). He was there because of kidney failure, secondary to diabetes. The first time we met, he told me he struggled with self forgiveness. He had regrets in life. Specifically, what he shared with me was that he had not watched his diabetes and had poor self care until his condition became so bad he was confined to the nursing home. Now, he was so angry with himself for not taking better care of himself. And, now it was too late to do anything to reverse the damage that had been done. We talked about his relationship with God. He said he believed God had forgiven him. So, then we talked about his relationship with HIMSELF. He was really tough on himself, with all his "SHOULDAS". So I listened while he talked. I don't even recall exactly what I said to him, but the message was self forgiveness and that if God forgives us, who do we think we are to not follow this example?
After that first meeting, he was more at peace. At subsequent meetings, he told me he had FINALLY forgiven himself. His anxiety diminished some. Each visit, I listened while he talked. He had a nice Christmas with family. Little did I know when I last met with him that it would be our last meeting. I asked again, how was he doing with the self forgiveness and he reassured ME that he was still in a good place with that issue and had long forgiven himself.
Today, when I walked into the clinic to pick up my schedule, I saw his name with "CTB" beside it. The first time I ever saw that notation, I asked a nurse "What does this mean? Does it mean Confined To Bed? Because if it does, I can go to the patients room to see them". And the nurse gently told me, "No, that means "CEASED TO BREATHE"........
CEASED TO BREATHE.....or rather, died........So, I saw his name and CTB and I walked back to my office and took a deep breath and shed a tear, before I had to take my first patient and dive into my schedule.....It was a very busy schedule today, which was probably good because I didn't have a lot of time to think.
As I left later in the morning, I walked to my car, in the beautiful sunshiney, warm day and again, I thought about him. I felt happy for him that he had found peace. I thought about his courage in what he was dealing with. I felt some wonder at his ability to forgive himself. I realized I had learned some more about self forgiveness from him. As the old adage goes, sometimes the student is a teacher and the teacher his student..........Thanks 'R" for being my teacher and for being a role model for me. God Bless and rest in peace.
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