More on Forgiveness

In a previous post, I talked about forgiveness, as a process. I shared with readers that my daughter was at a shooting scene. Given that forgiveness is truly a process, this process continues on.......

A couple weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about THAT NIGHT, the night of the shootings. She had not known what happened and was asking questions. It got me to thinking..... She told me later that she googled some things and found the pictures and that they were horrific.......I had not seen the pictures since they were published, so I googled some myself, and THERE THEY WERE. I started to cry, it was like a river.....I cried for the victims of the shootings. I cried for ALL the victims, living and deceased,and their families. I cried for my daughters. I cried for myself. I cried that we live in such a crazy world. I cried for ALL OF US. It felt so strange to be crying now, months later but then I realized I was crying the tears that I could not cry back then, because back then it was JUST TOO REAL.

Life has gone on, for everyone. I wonder about the women who died, their families, and how do they just go on? I think about the people I saw that night, and talked with, some who were inside when the shootings occurred, some were family members, like me. For my family, it has impacted us all, in different ways. My daughter is healing and has the wisdom to strive to bring good out of all of this. She will NEVER be the same but she is making sure that is in good and positive ways.I am so proud of her.

Last night THE DREAM reappeared. I am running around locking doors because I have to keep my family safe. Running, running, locking doors over and over because there are people with guns who are coming to harm us. This time, the dream was a little different and more hopeful. This time, there were other people running around with me, finding me hiding places, helping me to lock doors, acting as sentries. This time the dream progressed to the end, and the threats were gone, and we were all safe. Sigh. That's the way the real story ended for me and my family, but not for the three women who died.......

Forgiveness is an ongoing process.....

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS...........

Living in an unsafe world......how do we practice forgiveness in an unsafe world??
Forgiveness seems so theoretical and how do you apply it IN REAL LIFE?

I've been pondering this alot lately...because....over the summer, a deranged madman tried to kill my daughter. He actually killed three women and lucky for me and my daughter, and all the other people who escaped "unharmed" (physically). But not so lucky for the others. How do their families put together the pieces and forgive, if they do at all?
You know, you see these heartwarming stories on The Today Show, about radical forgiveness.....people who have lost family and friends to murderers and they forgive.....So, theoretically, I think....yeah, that is good, it is healing, it makes sense. Until it almost happened to me...and my family....

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.......

I start to forgive.....the therapist in me kicks in and I understand why people become so desperate. Then something reminds me....of HIM, that awful night....I go back there and I feel numb.....

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS......

I become impatient and less tolerant of others. This is not like me. I entertain negative thoughts about others instead of self-correcting.

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.....

I start to calm down, think it through rationally, return to "life as usual". Now the nightmares have returned. Two nights ago I had to get up out of bed. You know when you have the dreams that you can't shake? You have to get out of bed and clear the foggy feeling? I had some hot chocolate and went back to bed. Still the dream images haunt me......In a building, this time it was a warehouse, danger is coming, coming, coming and I am locking the doors over and over and over. There are people with guns and I HAVE TO LOCK THE DOORS TO PROTECT MY FAMILY. This time I was using huge, thick beams to barricade the warehouse doors......

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.

When I am overly emotional, and can't sleep, and am distracted in my work because of HIM, the DERANGED GUNMAN, I feel less numb and more angry (for brief moments), and I want to scream at him..."HOW SELFISH COULD YOU BE?????"

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.

Forgiveness, of course, is an inside job. It starts with me. It is a conscious choice and an active decision. I am going with it, I am IN THE PROCESS of forgiving. It's better some days than others....It works in layers....some progress, the more reactivation of the HORROR OF IT ALL, then there's another opportunity for forgive, ONCE AGAIN.......

FORGIVENESS.......IS.......SUCH.......A.......PROCESS.....