FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS...........

Living in an unsafe world......how do we practice forgiveness in an unsafe world??
Forgiveness seems so theoretical and how do you apply it IN REAL LIFE?

I've been pondering this alot lately...because....over the summer, a deranged madman tried to kill my daughter. He actually killed three women and lucky for me and my daughter, and all the other people who escaped "unharmed" (physically). But not so lucky for the others. How do their families put together the pieces and forgive, if they do at all?
You know, you see these heartwarming stories on The Today Show, about radical forgiveness.....people who have lost family and friends to murderers and they forgive.....So, theoretically, I think....yeah, that is good, it is healing, it makes sense. Until it almost happened to me...and my family....

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.......

I start to forgive.....the therapist in me kicks in and I understand why people become so desperate. Then something reminds me....of HIM, that awful night....I go back there and I feel numb.....

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS......

I become impatient and less tolerant of others. This is not like me. I entertain negative thoughts about others instead of self-correcting.

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.....

I start to calm down, think it through rationally, return to "life as usual". Now the nightmares have returned. Two nights ago I had to get up out of bed. You know when you have the dreams that you can't shake? You have to get out of bed and clear the foggy feeling? I had some hot chocolate and went back to bed. Still the dream images haunt me......In a building, this time it was a warehouse, danger is coming, coming, coming and I am locking the doors over and over and over. There are people with guns and I HAVE TO LOCK THE DOORS TO PROTECT MY FAMILY. This time I was using huge, thick beams to barricade the warehouse doors......

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.

When I am overly emotional, and can't sleep, and am distracted in my work because of HIM, the DERANGED GUNMAN, I feel less numb and more angry (for brief moments), and I want to scream at him..."HOW SELFISH COULD YOU BE?????"

FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS.

Forgiveness, of course, is an inside job. It starts with me. It is a conscious choice and an active decision. I am going with it, I am IN THE PROCESS of forgiving. It's better some days than others....It works in layers....some progress, the more reactivation of the HORROR OF IT ALL, then there's another opportunity for forgive, ONCE AGAIN.......

FORGIVENESS.......IS.......SUCH.......A.......PROCESS.....