Self Forgiveness - Part II

Yesterday I saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and have been pondering the messages the movie brings. One of the central themes, it seems to me, is self forgiveness. In the movie, Liz is desperately trying to come to terms with the end of her marriage and embarks on this journey in attempt to reclaim parts of herself. At the ashram, she meets "Richard from Texas", who is also needing to forgive himself big time. Obviously, they learn about this process from each other.
In my clinical work, I treat people who want to heal. The themes of forgiveness and especially self forgiveness permeate the work. Central elements of self forgiveness are recognizing the impact of our actions on others, and making amends, of sorts, in any way we can. This is how we "let go"; otherwise we stay stuck in guilt.
In my experience, religion has been a strong influence in evoking guilt and self blame in very unhealthy ways. This has seemed to be a dilemma for many people. Even the concept of "grace" does little to dispel the guilt for many people. They say they are "forgiven" yet reiterate that they are "sinners" and continue to berate themselves for "falling short". Sometimes I wonder if God looks at this with tears in his eyes and says, "You just aren't getting it, are you?". We say we want to be like God, yet we hold on to self reproach and can't forgive ourselves, as God has. And if God expects us to follow his example, then he expects us to forgive ourselves.
Maybe we forget the part about making amends......and if we are angry with ourselves, how in the world do we make amends to ourselves???? Religion typically teaches us to be contrite, confess, FEEL BAD. But religion is not very good at teaching us how to compassionately treat ourselves when we screw up. And we do screw up, sometimes a lot.....
Being compassionate with oneself and forgiving oneself is major. It's a LIFE SKILL. You hear all these cliches "practice random acts of kindness", "practice forgiveness". You NEVER hear "practice self kindness' or "practice self forgiveness". It all starts with us, folks. Not in a narcissistic way but in a healing, healthy, spiritual way.

Today I had a final session with a patient, who is transferring care because of an insurance change. We talked about self forgiveness and the nuts and bolts of how she can compassionately treat herself. While she is not yet at the goal of self forgiveness, she can PRACTICE it. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Don't wait to reach the goal of self forgiveness, start practicing today. Do kind things for yourself.

One of the ways I am compassionate with myself is by being silly or goofy. REALLY. Because it lightens things, helps me to laugh at myself and let go. I stop being so darn serious about life in those moments.

So today, I think we should all practice self forgiveness and self compassion. We should all do kind things for ourselves. We should be silly and goofy. Share your experiences if you wish. I'm still learning this stuff, myself....

The Gift of Fear

August 4......One year ago there was a horrendous shooting at a health club in my community. My daughter was inside. Only a wall separated her from the gunman. Three women died. Three women who had homes and careers and friends and family who loved them deeply. They are irreplaceable. Many others were shot or sustained injuries from bullet fragments. Lives were changed. Everyone who was inside suffered psychological trauma, including staff. First responders experienced emotional trauma as they came upon the scene. Lets not forget family members of all affected. I was one of them. The horror of knowing someone you love so deeply may have been snatched from you in such a violent and senseless way is beyond anything I can describe. I lived that horror in the days and weeks and months that followed. I lived the emotional numbness and sense of everything being surreal. That was a year ago.

One year later....I still feel such a deep sense of sadness for everyone involved. As I sit at my computer now and write, I cry.
One year later....I am so grateful that we are not victims. At least for my daughter and my family, I can say we have moved from victims to survivors to thrivers.
One year later,I still feel the fear, but I am not immobilized by it.
God has shown me a better way...

Pain is an adaptive response. It is the body's way of telling us that something is wrong. Without pain, we often would not even know we are sick or some part of us is malfunctioning. When we have pain, the logical response is to do something about it (self care, seek medical help). It would be irrational to ignore the pain and walk around saying "ouch ouch ouch...it hurts" and do nothing.
I have come to see fear in a similar way. It is like my soul's way of telling me, "something is wrong...it is dark...the world is malfunctioning in some way...go to God" It would be irrational for me to ignore the fear, to walk around saying, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid" and not seek help.

So, I have come to be able to use fear in an adaptive way. My fear is a normal response to an abnormal, maladaptive, crazy world. I can't change the world. But I can change myself and my response to the world. I can acknowledge the fear, allow myself to feel it, but not HANG OUT THERE. I can go elsewhere. I can see the fear as an open door, and invitation to seek God, to find comfort. When I do this, God responds - an unexpected phone call from a friend, a song on the radio as I drive to work, that wonderful feeling of peace that passes all understanding...

In the past year, I have made the decision that I am not going to live in fear any longer. I can see the gift in fear and brings gifts of healing, reconnection, and compassion from it. This is how I move from victim to survivor to thriver.

Peace be with you all.